Surgeons say that after the internal stitching / tightening of the abdominal muscle fascia it helps to lie and sleep on a large wedge cushion that can elevate the upper body. The elevation takes the stretch out of the rectus abdominis, keeps tension off the incision, helps to narrow the width of the scar and generally makes the experience more comfortable.
Until my fabulous line of cybersatan surgical comfort products comes out, The Liberator Ramp (a sex thing, look it up) is said to be the best-quality dense foam wedge cushion available. So, a couple of weeks ago I boldly struck out with a list of the 5 or 6 sex-toy stores in Vancouver. Or to clarify, the 5 or 6 least likely to have a sticky floor and the pervasive stench of desperation. A few of you might predict that sex-toy stores aren’t where I feel most in my element.
No luck at the Commercial Street shop. Unless the entire unit would fit into an autoclave, the Davie Street purveyors were out. The Burrard and Fifth shop had a smaller version of the cushion I needed (Wedge rather than Ramp for those of you closely engaged in the world of sex furniture) , but the store was uncomfortably fragrant. Real or some kind of spray pheromones to make people want to buy sex products? Don’t know, don’t want to know, got the hell out quickly. Paradise was found at Cambie and 19th - clean, nice displays, nothing tawdry, the kind of store that sex toys would hope to be sold at. Sex-toy Mecca really, meant with every respect. And directly across from the book section: a small selection of elevation products, including my Liberator Ramp!!!
The Ramp is no small thing – it is sized to elevate the entire upper (or lower) body, including bodies with proportions such as mine. And it comes packaged with clever pictorial representations of how the product can be used. I lucked out in that the version they had in stock was the “Black Label” type, which (I’M NOT LYING) comes with harness-type restraint clips and Velcro-style adjustable cuffs. A particularly helpful post-op feature I’m thinking if I really need to restrain myself from dipping too frequently into the oxycontin.
I think it takes a Liberated woman to unblinkingly, unshrinkingly carry a gigantic picture-festooned sex cushion out of the store and then into the elevator at home. THAT’S HOW MUCH I WANT THE SURGERY!
Love, kisses, two days. Anxiety rising slightly.
After the anxiety induced by that particular shopping expedition, surgery and six weeks of recovery ought to be a piece of cake. And once you're fully recovered and no longer in need of your accessorized ramp of liberation, I'm sure you will be able to find a buyer for it on Craigslist or http://sex-toys-r-us.com (warning, I just made that latter one up... I do NOT suggest actually trying to type that into your browser).
ReplyDeleteSo did you wear one of those plastic Groucho Marx masks to blend in with the other patrons??Because we all know anyone that goes to sex stores wears that same costume. And they are lurking in the shadows, ducking behind displays with odd shaped devices in their sweaty palms and then coming back up with the "cat swallowed the canary" grin.
ReplyDeleteWas the clerk a large lady with missing teeth, no make up, an eye patch and scraggly hair? She really knows her sex toys and is always willing to demonstrate... Umm so Ive heard...
ReplyDeleteBravo for your bravery CVK. Bravo. Interesting how your mind works. The use that you see for the restraints and cuffs may not be what the designer had in mind. But I guess that it what makes you such a unique little creature. And I stress, LITTLE. Yes, I voted for counselling. And would do it 7347 times, if I had access to that many different computers. But I am gratified that more than 60 percent would agree. Hey, that percentage is large enough to get Ida Chong recalled!
ReplyDeleteHey, this comment doesn't have much to do with liberation, but how pissed off would you be if you are late for your surgery because traffic was all buggered up because of Gregor Robinson's idiotic bike lanes? I realize the probability of that happening on the way to a 7 am appointment are rather slim, but you never know. Perhaps the traffic would be all tied up because of the interaction of a stupid movie being shot, heavily subidized by taxpayers money (like how stupid is that? Just slightly less stupid than Gregor's idiotic bike lanes), and, those aforementioned idiotic bike lanes.
ReplyDeleteJust thought I would ask. I know you have lots to be anxious about, and this is a low probability worry, but ...
Dear Anonymous Poster (10:59): Odd-shaped devices...no doubt. That's some perplexing sh*t hey? And hells yes on the Groucho costume. Nobody knows who this person is anymore but everyone wears the costume. That's immortality. Assuming he's dead, if not sorry dude.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous Poster (4:19): Are you the same person as the CS that called me a stunted dwarf yesterday? You understand dwarves can still be fat bastards right? Ida being recalled after Blackheart resigned and his eager minions all turned to stab his policies in the heart...perhaps not. I could be surprised, but the electorate has the attention span of a goldfish.
And Dear Anonymous Poster (4:29): Thank you for contributing a much-needed public policy debate to the blog, it balances my own shallow content. In my view, the intersection of bike lanes, movie subsidies and plastic surgery has one extra layer of complexity. BC's application of the HST has driven most plastic surgery stateside. It really makes so little sense for those that can afford surgery to contribute an extra 7% to support needless bureaucracy. But I agree that bike lanes are stupid and that subsidies for any industry in which the beneficial interest isn't held by the Province are ludicrous too. Even morbidly obese dwarves enjoy a good policy debate.
Signed,
YL&M
Foamy the Squirrel