Liberation and How Much I Want This Surgery

Surgeons say that after the internal stitching / tightening of the abdominal muscle fascia it helps to lie and sleep on a large wedge cushion that can elevate the upper body.  The elevation takes the stretch out of the rectus abdominis, keeps tension off the incision, helps to narrow the width of the scar and generally makes the experience more comfortable.

Until my fabulous line of cybersatan surgical comfort products comes out, The Liberator Ramp (a sex thing, look it up) is said to be the best-quality dense foam wedge cushion available.  So, a couple of weeks ago I boldly struck out with a list of the 5 or 6 sex-toy stores in Vancouver.  Or to clarify, the 5 or 6 least likely to have a sticky floor and the pervasive stench of desperation.  A few of you might predict that sex-toy stores aren’t where I feel most in my element.    

No luck at the Commercial Street shop.  Unless the entire unit would fit into an autoclave, the Davie Street purveyors were out.  The Burrard and Fifth shop had a smaller version of the cushion I needed (Wedge rather than Ramp for those of you closely engaged in the world of sex furniture) , but the store was uncomfortably fragrant. Real or some kind of spray pheromones to make people want to buy sex products?  Don’t know, don’t want to know, got the hell out quickly.  Paradise was found at Cambie and 19th - clean, nice displays, nothing tawdry, the kind of store that sex toys would hope to be sold at.  Sex-toy Mecca really, meant with every respect.  And directly across from the book section: a small selection of elevation products, including my Liberator Ramp!!!   

The Ramp is no small thing – it is sized to elevate the entire upper (or lower) body, including bodies with proportions such as mine.  And it comes packaged with clever pictorial representations of how the product can be used.  I lucked out in that the version they had in stock was the “Black Label” type, which (I’M NOT LYING) comes with harness-type restraint clips and Velcro-style adjustable cuffs.  A particularly helpful post-op feature I’m thinking if I really need to restrain myself from dipping too frequently into the oxycontin.  

I think it takes a Liberated woman to unblinkingly, unshrinkingly carry a gigantic picture-festooned sex cushion out of the store and then into the elevator at home.  THAT’S HOW MUCH I WANT THE SURGERY!

Love, kisses, two days.  Anxiety rising slightly.

Epiphanies

The time has gone SO FAST.  Its three sleeps before the surgery.  I’m not ready for Christmas, I’m not ready at work, I’m not ready to be away, I’m not DONE.  Too bad, time’s almost up.  

The closer it gets the more I see deep meaning in the things around me.  Such as these:   

Sudden Intuitive Realization #1:  Did you ever think that liposuction wasn’t worth the effort because of the 8% of body weight restriction???  I always dismissed it as a sucky, stupid, pointless surgery because who would bother with an anaesthetic just  to have 8.4 lbs of fat sucked out.  Just get off your ass and lose the 8.4 lbs. It was pointed out to me this evening that most people weigh more than 105 lbs.  Mind-bending huh Thumper?   I’m struggling a bit to absorb it, but apparently far more people weigh 150 lbs and could have 12 pounds of fat sucked out, more again weigh 200 lbs could have 16 pounds of fat sucked out...on it goes.  So essentially the fatter you are, the better off you are when it comes to liposuctionable volumes. 

It is vital that you not confuse fatbastardness as being based only on body weight, rather than the weight-to-frame ratio.  105 lbs on a small frame can be just as morbidly obese as 578 lbs can be on a large frame.  (YES IT CAN, SHUT UP).  I don’t discount lipo as a superior way of losing 8.4 lbs as a part of another surgery.  To me it would be pointless as a stand-alone but I will love my surgeon forever if he whips out a cannula and sucks 8.4 lbs of grotesque fat out of me while I’m cut open anyway. 

Think about it.  A pound of fat on our bodies is substantially similar to a pound of any other animal fat, like a pound of butter.  Except the pound of human fat would be a little bigger from lymph and blood supply.  Imagine stacking up 8.4 lbs of butter – pretty disgusting huh?  “But you’re not fat” certain of you will say.  You’d be kind of WRONG if the surgeon sucks out fat, n’est-ce pas? 

The Math, Updated:  Granted he might not, but just imagine that the surgeon liposuctions me (when you wish upon a star).  I’d be up 1.3 lbs worth of implants, but down say 5 lbs of skin and subcutaneous fat AND down 8.4 malevolent pounds of other fat.  It’d be a net loss of 12.1 pounds.  Stack up 12.1 pounds of mental butter?  You know I’d look a.m.a.z.i.n.g., don’t lie.

Sudden Intuitive Realization #2:  Post op depression is said to be tremendously common among whiners, all surgical aftercare instructions warn of it.  Usually it is associated with mobility restrictions, higher levels of pain / swelling / bruising than expected, a slower-than-anticipated recovery period, skewed surgical outcome expectations, body dysmorphic disorder and similar.  I RESPECTFULLY SUGGEST THAT THIS IS CRAP.  The real reason that people are depressed is because of the 4-week embargo on drinking and taking recreational street drugs.  There’d be no depression if people were partying Hoff style to celebrate their new bodies.  Bruising goes, swelling goes...what‘s to be depressed about?  Don’t expect any of that bitching and complaining from me.

Love, kisses, three sleeps.

CVK

Good Idea of The Day - Purple Surgical Pens

I'd like to start off by saying that I am grateful for friends and family, and for the constant flow of your love, good ideas and support.  Seriously.

To the poster today that suggested that incision lines might be drawn in red, I offer the following diagram to show why that might get a little messy in surgery. 

To the followers that made the pornographic misinterpretation of my original surgical diagram, no breasts and no pubic hair will appear in any of the drawn figures on this blog.  Post-surgical breast photos yes, breast drawings not so much.  I'm sure there are other blogs that cater to pornography created in MS Paint if that's what you are looking for ;)