Superlardaliciousgrotescumongousbesasaurouslyfattitacularogroposus Obesity

Yes, it should be a word!  I am so superlardaliciouslygrotescumongousbesasaurouslyfattitacularogroposusly overweight that my skin is peeling, no lie!!  The stretched skin on my abdomen and massive breasts is actually peeling lightly, kind of what you'd get from a light sunburn.  Sure, I realize that swelling might be making some tiiiiiiiiny contribution to the peeling, but I assert that most of the cause is pure superlardaliciousness.  It is only logical that Boxhead would be getting fatter by the day from not exercising...I'm beginning to contemplate scheduling some thigh and butt lipo even before the recovery from the current surgery is over.

Today was fun though, and the first day that I felt a little more mobile.  First Boxhead had the weekly iron shot...fun.  A nice wide bore-needle of viscous iron serum into the butt.  As if the rest of me isn't bruised enough.  Even my doctor makes jokes about Boxhead having a "man that likes some rough loving" because of the the perpetual injection bruising on my butt.  A fatty like me needs huge amounts of iron to survive though, despite the fact that I'm constantly snarfing down sides of beef, prime ribs and other products of similar meaty goodness.  The only way to keep up with the iron demands of a body of this girth is through injections.  As Boxhead has no intention of showing her perma-bruised butt, here's a picture of the needle!

From there it was off to have my glorious hair done, a bi-weekly process to nurture Boxhead's soul and ensure that no roots are EVER visible.  Nothing tackier than roots.  And yes Angels, Boxhead is willing to show pictures of almost anything except her bruised butt and in-process hair coloring.

After my hair was done I carried on the day's adventure by trying on bras to see what size was needed to contain my cartoonishly mammoth breasts at this stage of their swelling. They will go down to a proper, normal size in another two weeks or so, but for now they're entertaining. I'm used to the kind of bras that don't really have cups so much, just a vague suggestion of potential unflatness to the area where a cup would be.  Now I'm choosing bras that could be used as a cunning new missile defense system, or a hangar for Air Force I.  These things are HUGE.

Boxhead has never been able to have pretty, fancy bras because they just don't make them in -AA.  Bra designers totally snub the less-than-A-cup people (and boxes).  Now the whole world of bra splendor is open to me!  They're so pretty.  The C's seem far too big though, and even the B cups look like a whole lot of bra, so I grabbed several 34Bs and a few 34Cs and headed for the changeroom.  Ha!! the B cups that looked so big can't begin to contain the overflowing abundance of breast.  Not a chance.  Fail.  There's a lot of variation across the size of the C-cup bras, but still. Fail, other than one.  Red-faced, I slink out to gather D-cups...I can't actually ask a shopgirl for something that large.  These ones fit.  I know its swelling, but I'M A D-CUP.  It has been well established that I am a superfattie, but D-cup breasts are cartoonishly behemoth even on my lardassed frame.  Unimaginable. 

Noting that this is NOT the final size, here for amusement are some pictures of Boxhead wearing D's.  Prettier than the surgical bra, no?  Excuse the peekthroughs of surgical tape, but this is after all a surgical blog.

Naturally, it is hard to tell how much of this is swelling, how much is fat, and how much is the metabolic impact of the Doritos mashed with creme soda that I had for breakfast. 

It was windy today, so I wore jeans.  I was afraid to put them on, thinking that they wouldn't fit over the compression binder and the post-op swelling and the failure would make me feel even fatter.  Now jeans to me means waist size 240, not the teeny little sizes that the rest of you wear.  They DID fit though, and easily!!! The binder might be uncomfortable as all hell (although less every day), but it does compress all my fat into some kind of shape and make it possible to put on jeans even over the swelling.  Yay!  I may get used to it, and then need to wear those pretty corset / waist cincher things all the time once my time with binder garment draws to a close.

Other than bra shopping, I didn't bother looking at much else.  70% off sales do nothing for Boxhead.  If I didn't want something at full price, I surely to God don't want it when its been pawed over, marked down, and is almost out of season anyway.  Bring on the spring merchandise Babies, Boxhead is going to have the body for it.

So, then it was time for coffee, and then home.  I was out for HOURS.  My first real lengthy excursion since the surgery.

Boxhead will be at home for New Year's Eve.  While I love all other occasions for parties there are few things more revolting than midnight kisses from unknown freaks.  I can't stand being touched by strangers, let alone kissed.  Unpleasant.  Plus, the whole New Year's thing is lame...the resolutions, the starting over.  I resolve to be myself in 2011, unchanged other than by surgery.  I love me, so why change?

Love yourselves too Angels and Happy New Year.  The surgical tape comes off next week, and then we can begin with proper post-op photography.

Boxhead

The Myriad Surgical Merits of Liberator Products

In response to the reader that asked for a review of the Liberator Ramp, it is unsurpassed glory.  Incomparable, I recommend it wholeheartedly.  I could not have managed NEARLY as well after surgery without it.  I’ve slept on it every night and probably will continue to for another 10 days or so until there’s no pain with lying flat or standing straight.  It is the best invention ever, and was worth every second of embarrassment and awkwardness in going out to buy it.

Its use is illustrated here:

The rectus plication (okay…sorry Liberator…but actually the best invention ever) is still quite uncomfortable, as I would damn well hope it would be.  I asked for tight, and I got it.  Plus, the major abdominoplasty incision remains a tiny bit sore as well.  Without the Liberator, I’d have to find a way to elevate my upper body to minimize stretch to the rectus abdominis and the incision itself. 

Other than for the obvious reasons (um…restraint cuffs and the blindfold angels), Boxhead is also grateful for having bought the Black Label version of the Liberator Ramp.  During the early days when rolling onto my side to get out of bed was p.a.i.n.f.u.l, I could grab onto one of the restraint clips (conveniently illustrated in red on the diagram) and use that to help pull me onto my side and then lever me up into a sitting position.  Magic.

Liberator might not have gone into business with the primary objective of supporting the cosmetic surgical patient, but they do WONDERS.  And there seems a natural collaboration in order, as Liberator has so many products and Boxhead wants SO many surgeries.  Do you not see it?? In the US alone, more than $10 billion is spent per year on plastic surgery (this was before Boxhead got started…expect that number to rise).  Clearly there’s a cleverly segmented and completely untapped set of customers for Liberator, and who better than Boxhead to extoll the surgical virtues of their products??   No one!

For example, the moisture barrier properties of the Escape would be helpful in the early days after almost any surgery.  Boxhead will need the Heart Wedge undoubtedly for butt implant surgery but also sooner simply because I LOVE ME.  The Black Label Stage System could be tailored to all manner of surgical configurations.  Boxhead wishes she`d had the Esse Chaise Lounge (aka nest of post-surgical comfort) and will assuredly need it for future surgeries.  As much as the black utilitarian cuffs that came with my Ramp have been useful in keeping Boxhead out of prescription drugs and fatty foods and in stimulating marriage proposals, if I`d known about Liberator`s dainty and dazzling rhinestoned crystal cuff set I`d have had those too!  They are FAR more Boxhead than plain old black fabric with Velcro.  Look it up Darlings, these are fabulous! And this is just a very few of a vast and varied product line...how could Liberator and Boxhead not be a promotional match made in heaven?

So to the reader that asked for a review of the Ramp, there you go.  It is the most splendid product ever made.  Everyone should have one.  They are said to have other beneficial uses until your various surgeries are scheduled, and the surgical merits are just beyond fabulous.

XOXOXOX

Boxhead

Joy and Glory, Boxhead Returns

Apologies for the absence my angels.  Boxhead doesn't react well to the oxycontin given after surgery and it takes a few days to get it out of my system and get back to normal.  Two surgeries this month = two oxycontins.  Next time (and there will be many next times) I have surgery I am going to INSIST that I not be given post-op pain killers.  I'll take discomfort rather than 4 days of mental slowness and the abject fear and panic that goes along with that.  "Aaaaaagh, I'm stupid.  No, its the surgical oxycontin.  No, really, I can't think..."  It goes on faaaaaaar too long.

Aside from the oxy, the surgical drains are beyond hideous and I decided not to post any photos until they were gone, not even on the "only look if you really want to see this hellish nastiness" site.

The drains are GONE as of this morning, which is nothing short of magical.  I haven't been able to shower properly since the surgery (drains can't be gotten wet) so I had to resort to this clever shower costume:

And no, for those of you that might ask - I do not have square black nipples.  Once again, that is a discretion feature brought to us by the wonders of microsoft paint.

Abdominal photos from the immediate post-drains stage are on Lipofat and Other Unsuitable Photos at
http://cybersatanlipofat.blogspot.com/, don't go there unless you really want to see them.  There is some bruising, steri-strips covering major incisions and enough swelling to be stretching and leaving lines in the skin.  This is FABULOUS, AMAZING progress for Day 8, but seriously don't look unless you're really up for it.

Instead, you can see Boxhead moments before drain removal here:

Or the fully-clothed post-drains version here.  I am beyond euphoric to have the drains out, really!

And yes, the breast swelling will be about another 10-14 days to go down entirely.  That is not final size.

The worst part about the first-week recovery process (by FAR) has been residual oxycontin and boredom.  I'm not good at sitting around and I want to MOVE and go to yoga and barre classes and exercise.  I fear that I'm losing muscle tone every hour.  And of course since Boxhead can't do 2 hours of exercise daily, not a single gram of fat can pass my lips!

A compression garment (think ugly surgical corset) is worn to reduce swelling of the abdomen, 23 hours a day for about 4 weeks after the surgery.  On the one hand it feels supportive and safe, like the muscles are protected if I cough or sneeze.  On the other hand it feels like the death grip of satan choking the life out of me by compressing my ribcage.  Yet, not in a sexy way, just an ugly-assed medical kind of way.

Yesterday, at the suggestion of a brilliant and much loved reader, Boxhead returned to her natural environment of the Spa.  A manicure and pedicure really helped to make me feel happy and feminine again, and like a person rather than a patient. 

More soon my darlings as Boxhead returns to being out and about and able to do more. 

XOXOXO

Boxhead

Hello darlings!  Day 3 post-op and Boxhead is feeling fantastic.

Clearly I am looking fantastic as well - I can see now that the outcome of surgery will be exactly what I had hoped it would be:  a closer resemblance to my idol in surgery and refinement, Shauna Sand.  Few of you will be unfamiliar with Shauna's beauty and elegance, but just in case.   

You see that Shauna and I share massive breasts, over-filled lips and magnificent false blonde hair.  I recognize that I have considerable facial work left to do to reach her level of refinement.  Shauna however does not have a tiara, which was suggested for me by a precious viewer that knows well my princessey tendencies.

So, surgery is perfection.  Oxycontin is an epic bust as a pain killer and as a weight loss drug.  I'm past needing much in the way of pain control, but what a stupid waste of a medicine and an addiction.  I'm finding that the need for weight loss drugs has been mitigated by having witnessed, held and been photographed with my lipofat.  No way anything fatty is going back in my body, ever again.  EVER.

More tomorrow my darlings, for now Boxhead is doing a lot of resting and admiring herself.

WAY Better Than I Expected

The surgery has been fabulous, truly much better than I had expected.  The pain is manageable, the swelling and bruising is a little aggravating but not bad (really...its 2 days post-op...what do I expect).

The dressings came off today, so rather than big white bandages there's just surgical tape over the breast and abdominal incisions...looking around the brusing and swelling I can tell what its going to look like and I'm THRILLED.  There's tons of bruising so when I get the photos up they'll be on the click-to-view site.  There's also tons of swelling.  Exhibit A: breasts.  Having gone from an AA cup, this is pretty massive:

While I'm thrilled beyond words with the surgery, oxycontin is a gigantic stupid waste of time.  I was expecting a good times party drug, but NO.  How there is an entire body of addictions treatment devoted to this is just mystifying .  Granted, I was prescribed a low dose, but still.  It makes me groggy, its ineffective for the discomfort and its just very un-fun.  Extra-strength tylenol is probably more interesting because at least the red coating has flavour.  The best thing about having tried oxycontin having license to dismiss anyone that gets addicted to it as complete idiots.  Tramacet works perfect though, I recommend it highly as a no-fuss pain med.

The internal muscle (rectus abdominis) plication has to have been VERY well done, as I am walking bent over like a little old lady - I can't stand straight yet as the internal stitches are doing such a good job of tightening the muscle.  Yay!  That usually lasts for about a week.

Anyway, more updates and pictures later today. Boxhead is working on a new look to go with her awesome new body.

And Furthermore

Additional proof for those of you that continue to resist the facts of Boxhead's obsesity.  You will remember the pre-operative fatbastard weight of 105.  The post-operative weight is shown here:

So, not the 92.1 lbs that I'd estimated if the total permissible amount of fat was liposuctioned from my huge carcass.  But there will be some swelling / fluid volume retention in the above, so its not bad considering.  105 + 1.3 lbs in new breasts - 7.3 in skin and liposuctioned blubber = 99. 

Now those little opiate painkiller beauties can do their job and by January I'll be much less of a fatf*ck.

Yay.

Love,

Boxhead

Infidel Unbelievers and Boxhead's Obesity

DO NOT follow this link if you are squeamish or disturbed by pictures of lipofat or removed abdominal skin in a bag.

However, if you are one of the delusional that claimed that Boxhead was not in fact a morbidly obese superfattie, here you go babies!!! Proof positive that you were wrong and I was right!!!  Superfattie.

http://cybersatanlipofat.blogspot.com/

Dashboard Update

Excitement is high, fear is gone, lardassedness is somehwat reduced by the lipo, there's a bit of pain but not so much and I'm not bored yet. ;)

Love,

Boxhead

Splendor, Awesomeness and Glory!

HA TO ALL THE PATHOLOGICAL LIARS THAT THOUGHT BOXHEAD WASN'T FAT!!!  There WAS liposuction and I have pictures to prove it!  I'm not going to post those until I learn how to do the "click if you actually want to see this" function though because some of you might be wimps and be grossed out by the SHEER MAGNIFICENCE of the lipo fat container.  Meanwhile I submit the following:

I *WAS* A SUPERFATTIE EXACTLY AS I SAID.  THOSE THAT CLAIMED I WAS NOT WERE *COMPLETELY DERANGED*.  YAY FOR ME.

So, the day went approximately like this.  6:55 arrival

They weren't lying about getting on with it.  I was gowned and meeting with the anaesthesiologist within 5 mins of going in, and then with the surgeon almost right after.  I have TONS of photos of the purple and black (not red) surgical pens, but like the lipofat and the piece of removed skin photos, I wont put those up unil I figure out how to make seeing them optional.

For those of you that might question the rock, it is a blessed rock of eternal safety and protection.  Some people might think of it as a lucky charm...I prefer drama.  Blessed Rock needed to be present for surgery. 

One weird thing.  I had never seen the anaesthesiologist before, ever.  But I have been dreaming about him for days...this precise man with the exact same facial features.  Cosmic-style freaky.

Surgery started promptly at 7:30 and I was done, awake and in recovery by 1:30.  I love the way people just get to walk into surgery in private facilities, walk in, take a look at the surgical instruments, hop up on the table...all unassisted.  Its much more comforting than being on a stretcher. 

This is BIG surgery no doubt, but I'm feeling and managing well in terms of pain and mobility.   Terrified to cough, more so because of the internal muscle stitches that tighten the abdominal muscle fascia - the surface incision doesn't hurt much.  There's lots of bruising and swelling and of course discomfort.  But when it is discomfort I ASKED for and PAID TO HAVE it isn't so bad. ;)

The abdomen is covered by dressings so I can't see exactly how it looks yet.  It will be fabulous though.  I feel that I'm pulled up as tight as a drum, inside and on the surface.

The breasts are amazing.  I went from -AA-almost-none to pretty large boobies.  I know part of it is swelling but they are still spectacular.  Once again evidencing my incredible art talent, here is a pic of one breast with the nipple blocked out.  I don't know how to rotate photos on here, so it is what it is. The cross at the collarbone is a surgical marking of the midline point, and YES, it is in the ubiquitous purple surgical pen!  And for anyone that might ask, I do not have strange little grey nipples.  That is the MS Paint spray-paint function, using grey color, blocking out the nipple.  As we`ve discussed in the past, this is not a surgical pornography site.

So, all is well.  I`m a little uncomfortable, but not `in pain`and every day from here will be incrementally better.

Magnificent breasts, no?  Specially for someone that was flat chested until this morning...uber-flat, hyper-flat, almost concave in the prior flatness of the chest.

And no, Boxhead did not have any facial work done.  The bandage is just to illustrate the surgical awesomeness of the day.  If more of you would have the damn courtesy to vote for facial work then I could get that next. ;)

IN CLOSING, I REPEAT, THERE **WAS** LIPOSUCTION B*TCHES.  YAY.  I'll weigh tomorrow and report in on the total loss.  I don't have the energy for tonight.

Love and Kisses

CVK

THIS IS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its 4:15 and time to rise.  The blessed day has finally come.  3 hours and 15 minutes until the cutting starts.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

So, first things first.  The fatf*ck before weight:

Some of you may wonder how I'm feeling.  Others may just be visiting for more pictures of Boxhead.  To address the interests of those that actually care ;) I have once again used my splendid Microsoft Paint skills to come up with a dashboard to explain my surgical feelings:

As you see, excitement and fear are fairly high.  Lardassedness is at its all-time apex.  The apex thing is true REGARDLESS of whether or not you classify Boxhead as a superfattie or simply morbidly obese.  The fat attached to my abdominal skin will be cut away and I will get a greater or lesser amount of liposuction.  The kill self meter (which will be used mostly to assess boredom) is obviously low, as is the pain meter.  There'd be a problem if there was pain BEFORE the surgery.

I'd like to speak for a moment about panniculectomies.  If you don't know what a panniculus is, copy and paste it into your browser.  See particularly the "Grading of Abdominal Panniculi" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panniculus and then see if you are able to resist assigning grades to the various panniculi you encounter in a day.  Don't blame Boxhead if you do an image search...you are reminded here that this is not a blog for the stupid.

Aaaaaanyway, in the consult stage I tried to convince about 20 surgeons to write 'horrifying panniculus' in my pre-op chart notes...I chose the one that was fun enough to laugh and write it down! This is a man I can work with. 

So, what am I afraid / stressed of?  In order, these are:

1.  Swelling!  Sure swelling may technically not be fat, but it LOOKS fat.  And who wants to look fat?
2.  Waking up to find that the f*cker didn't take out my fat!
3.  The relentless, unending, horrifying boredom of the next few weeks until I can exercise again.
4.  The risk of weight gain during the surgical downtime period (offset by the opiates weight loss solution).

I have boxes and bottles of pain medicine, so I'm not afraid of the pain.  I chose a good surgeon so am not afraid of death or disfigurement...  Nope, I really AM that shallow.  My pre-op fears really are about swelling and fat.

THIS IS IT BABIES.  Talk to you after.

The Last Day of Freedom

Today was a day to stick with routine (yoga and buying shoes) and to stay distracted and keep the anxiety down. 

16 hours from now I'll be out of anaesthetic with a new stomach and new breasts and be ranting to those of you I talk to on blackberry.

So, what did the last day of freedom look like?

Well, first some shopping:

Then the usual battle between restraint and fatbastardness at lunchtime.  Once again the Liberator proves valuable:

Hahahahaha, you all know I'd really kill myself before eating something like that.  But the cuffs are still useful.

Back to shopping.  Ugh, I need some flat(ter) shoes for tomorrow after surgery and for the next few weeks...nobody feels like working it right after having half their abdominal skin cut away.  But I HATE flats with a burning firey passion.  Yet, look.  Oooooooh, these are PERFECT.  The ideal low-heeled surgical shoe, no?

More shopping, some loose comfy pants and zip-front tops would be good for the recovery period.  Here Boxhead is distracted by her girth in a store mirror before going into the changeroom.  Sure, the obesity / dwarfism issues are evident, but we are just *16 hours* away from the post-op blubberless 92.9 lb version.  (105 minus the net 12.1 loss postulated in the Epiphanies post).  Hmmm, a follow up lipo may be needed to deal with those THIGHS though. Gsus.

Finally, off to a yoga class to work off some fat and stay calm until tomorrow's surgery:

The very last day for this body.  Good thing! 

Love, kisses, one sleep.   

CVK

Introducing Boxhead...

I'm pleased to introduce Boxhead, your guide to the delightful world of cosmetic surgery.  After tomorrow we'll be moving into actual post-op pictures, but don't worry.  Boxhead will make sure you don't see anything too scary.  Here, Boxhead demonstrates the value of Liberator restraints in minimizing the use of opiates:

And in case you didn't believe me about the cuff things, here's a close view.  Fabulous yes?  It'll be hard to work up an oxy addiction wearing these.

Mother of God its so close.

CVK

Shopping, Telus and Lessons in Service (A Non-Surgical Post)

This only relates to surgery by way of needing to get all my shopping completed before tomorrow night.

Local readers will know that my view of Telus (local telephone utility) hasn't always been the most enthusiastic.  Yet I can adapt to new information, change my mind, admit when I'm wrong...  I now think Telus rocks, and here's one reason from earlier today:

Being in the mall at Christmas always makes me long to pull a Naomi Campbell and just beat the sh*t out of people with my blackberry.  Anticipating this, in Pacific Centre's Christmas tree display Telus equips shoppers with a convenient supply of faux-blackberries that can be used to beat a b*tch Naomi-style.  Just reach out, and there it is...

That's just smart.  Beatdown-berries as Christmas decor, your own blackberry saved harmless, AND cute little pink lizards smirking about the beating you just laid.  This is the kind of thinking and thoughtful anticipation that breeds loyalty and turns whole companies around.

The lesson:  serve and be memorable.  Go Telus.

Liberation and How Much I Want This Surgery

Surgeons say that after the internal stitching / tightening of the abdominal muscle fascia it helps to lie and sleep on a large wedge cushion that can elevate the upper body.  The elevation takes the stretch out of the rectus abdominis, keeps tension off the incision, helps to narrow the width of the scar and generally makes the experience more comfortable.

Until my fabulous line of cybersatan surgical comfort products comes out, The Liberator Ramp (a sex thing, look it up) is said to be the best-quality dense foam wedge cushion available.  So, a couple of weeks ago I boldly struck out with a list of the 5 or 6 sex-toy stores in Vancouver.  Or to clarify, the 5 or 6 least likely to have a sticky floor and the pervasive stench of desperation.  A few of you might predict that sex-toy stores aren’t where I feel most in my element.    

No luck at the Commercial Street shop.  Unless the entire unit would fit into an autoclave, the Davie Street purveyors were out.  The Burrard and Fifth shop had a smaller version of the cushion I needed (Wedge rather than Ramp for those of you closely engaged in the world of sex furniture) , but the store was uncomfortably fragrant. Real or some kind of spray pheromones to make people want to buy sex products?  Don’t know, don’t want to know, got the hell out quickly.  Paradise was found at Cambie and 19th - clean, nice displays, nothing tawdry, the kind of store that sex toys would hope to be sold at.  Sex-toy Mecca really, meant with every respect.  And directly across from the book section: a small selection of elevation products, including my Liberator Ramp!!!   

The Ramp is no small thing – it is sized to elevate the entire upper (or lower) body, including bodies with proportions such as mine.  And it comes packaged with clever pictorial representations of how the product can be used.  I lucked out in that the version they had in stock was the “Black Label” type, which (I’M NOT LYING) comes with harness-type restraint clips and Velcro-style adjustable cuffs.  A particularly helpful post-op feature I’m thinking if I really need to restrain myself from dipping too frequently into the oxycontin.  

I think it takes a Liberated woman to unblinkingly, unshrinkingly carry a gigantic picture-festooned sex cushion out of the store and then into the elevator at home.  THAT’S HOW MUCH I WANT THE SURGERY!

Love, kisses, two days.  Anxiety rising slightly.

Epiphanies

The time has gone SO FAST.  Its three sleeps before the surgery.  I’m not ready for Christmas, I’m not ready at work, I’m not ready to be away, I’m not DONE.  Too bad, time’s almost up.  

The closer it gets the more I see deep meaning in the things around me.  Such as these:   

Sudden Intuitive Realization #1:  Did you ever think that liposuction wasn’t worth the effort because of the 8% of body weight restriction???  I always dismissed it as a sucky, stupid, pointless surgery because who would bother with an anaesthetic just  to have 8.4 lbs of fat sucked out.  Just get off your ass and lose the 8.4 lbs. It was pointed out to me this evening that most people weigh more than 105 lbs.  Mind-bending huh Thumper?   I’m struggling a bit to absorb it, but apparently far more people weigh 150 lbs and could have 12 pounds of fat sucked out, more again weigh 200 lbs could have 16 pounds of fat sucked out...on it goes.  So essentially the fatter you are, the better off you are when it comes to liposuctionable volumes. 

It is vital that you not confuse fatbastardness as being based only on body weight, rather than the weight-to-frame ratio.  105 lbs on a small frame can be just as morbidly obese as 578 lbs can be on a large frame.  (YES IT CAN, SHUT UP).  I don’t discount lipo as a superior way of losing 8.4 lbs as a part of another surgery.  To me it would be pointless as a stand-alone but I will love my surgeon forever if he whips out a cannula and sucks 8.4 lbs of grotesque fat out of me while I’m cut open anyway. 

Think about it.  A pound of fat on our bodies is substantially similar to a pound of any other animal fat, like a pound of butter.  Except the pound of human fat would be a little bigger from lymph and blood supply.  Imagine stacking up 8.4 lbs of butter – pretty disgusting huh?  “But you’re not fat” certain of you will say.  You’d be kind of WRONG if the surgeon sucks out fat, n’est-ce pas? 

The Math, Updated:  Granted he might not, but just imagine that the surgeon liposuctions me (when you wish upon a star).  I’d be up 1.3 lbs worth of implants, but down say 5 lbs of skin and subcutaneous fat AND down 8.4 malevolent pounds of other fat.  It’d be a net loss of 12.1 pounds.  Stack up 12.1 pounds of mental butter?  You know I’d look a.m.a.z.i.n.g., don’t lie.

Sudden Intuitive Realization #2:  Post op depression is said to be tremendously common among whiners, all surgical aftercare instructions warn of it.  Usually it is associated with mobility restrictions, higher levels of pain / swelling / bruising than expected, a slower-than-anticipated recovery period, skewed surgical outcome expectations, body dysmorphic disorder and similar.  I RESPECTFULLY SUGGEST THAT THIS IS CRAP.  The real reason that people are depressed is because of the 4-week embargo on drinking and taking recreational street drugs.  There’d be no depression if people were partying Hoff style to celebrate their new bodies.  Bruising goes, swelling goes...what‘s to be depressed about?  Don’t expect any of that bitching and complaining from me.

Love, kisses, three sleeps.

CVK

The Merits of Having Breasts Versus Implant Weight Gain

No doubt you are rapidly coming to the realization that the issue of implant weight would be a major consideration for me.  Everything has weight, even silicone.  A paperclip has weight, a glass of water has weight, an orange segment has weight, a pound of greasy pig meats (yes, the unspeakable ba*on) has weight.

Call me obsessive (as if you don't behind my back) :) but I am aware enough of weight to know that  silicone gel for breast implants weighs 0.0375 ounces per cubic centimetre.  And come ON.  If you weighed as much as I do it would be a concern for you too.  My implants will be 275 cc's, so lets do the math!

• 275 x 0.0357 = 10.3124 oz per side!!!

• 10.3124 x 2 = 20.625 oz for both.  Yeek.

• 20.625 / 16 oz per lb = 1.2890625 lbs.

And you wonder why I used the picture of the fat cow as my before image?!?  I am PAYING MONEY to GAIN 1.3 pounds.  This is the equivalent of 4550 calories...ugh, its like entire deep fryers of nasty.  Normally I'd rank suicide as a top-three option to deal with a weight gain of that magnitude.

But, there is a clever mitigation here.  I may be adding 1.3 lbs of fake breast tissue, but the skin from my pubic bone to navel will be peeled like a grape and thrown away.  Its hard to estimate the exact weight in skin and the HUGE amounts of attached subcutaneous fat, but it has to be substantial.  I'm hoping it nets out to an overall loss, but I'd be okay even with a zero gain scenario.  And if not, at least I have the fallback oxycontin weight loss solution of champions.

I'll be weighing the SECOND I can stand up, and promise one of my first reports will be on the gain / loss situation.

Good Idea of The Day - Purple Surgical Pens

I'd like to start off by saying that I am grateful for friends and family, and for the constant flow of your love, good ideas and support.  Seriously.

To the poster today that suggested that incision lines might be drawn in red, I offer the following diagram to show why that might get a little messy in surgery. 

To the followers that made the pornographic misinterpretation of my original surgical diagram, no breasts and no pubic hair will appear in any of the drawn figures on this blog.  Post-surgical breast photos yes, breast drawings not so much.  I'm sure there are other blogs that cater to pornography created in MS Paint if that's what you are looking for ;)

Pro-Ana and Opiates

Some of you might guess that one of my greatest unspoken surgical fears has been about lying around like a giant square-states superfattie for 6 long weeks of bloated laziness...gaining weight, losing muscle tone, developing ptosis, getting a hideous case of carb-face and a huge(r) lard ass.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

While the fear of being fat(ter) has twisted and slithered and grown in my belly, I've been vowing to limit the use of painkillers.  As will be exhibited below, I can be a bit of a dumb b*tch.

I was picking up a lovely little box of tramacet today to supplement my happy oxycontin supply, when it occurred to me that:

a!) Schedule I narcotics are appetite suppressants.  Exhibit:  heroin addicts are generally not fat.

b!) Therefore, the very painkillers I was planning to diligently avoid are actually gold.  Sorry, but the oxycontin party at my place is cancelled, this shit is weight loss nirvana.  MINE.

c!) Double therefore, by snarfing opiates and staying nauseated for a month or so, perhaps I will LOSE weight rather than get fat(ter).  Think about it.  I could be one of those Enquirer headlines "I took oxycontin and lost 55 lbs of unsightly fat."  Sweet.

How had I missed this??? And all this whining and fuss about oxycontin addiction...meh.  Just a price to be paid.  Note me down as a convert - pro-ana and pro-opiates forever.

(Disclaimer:  this is a private blog intended to inform and amuse a small special interest group.  I do not endorse the pro-ana movement, any specific pro-ana practice or any individual motivation site.  Any such endorsements would be found at the sister blog site cybersatanstarvation.  Find it and there'd be a prize)

IMPORTANT LEGEND TO SURGICAL DRAWINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

VERY IMPORTANT

I was alerted tonight to a confused and somewhat pornographic perspective on my magnificent little drawing of surgical incision lines.  So I would like to be very clear:

1.  PURPLE LINES IN MY DRAWINGS ARE INTENDED TO REPRESENT A PURPLE SURGICAL PEN

2.  THE PURPLE LINES ON THE CHEST AREA OF THE FIGURE ARE INFRAMAMMARY INCISION LINES, FOR THE SUBMUSCULAR INSERTION OF IMPLANTS.  JESUS, THEY ARE NOT BREASTS.  IF I WERE USING THIS BLOG FOR POORLY DRAWN PORNOGRAPHIC SELF-PORTRAITS I WOULD NOT DRAW **PURPLE** BREASTS.  AND EVEN IF I WAS WERID ENOUGH TO DRAW SOME KIND OF PATHETIC LITTLE PURPLE ALIEN BREASTS, PRESUMABLY THEY WOULD HAVE NIPPLES.  I MAY HAVE MILD DYSMORPHIA BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE MYSELF TO HAVE PURPLE NIPPLELESS BREASTS.

3.  THE PURPLE LINES ON THE ABDOMINAL AREA OF THE FIGURE ARE ABDOMINOPLASTY INCISION LINES, AND THE SCRIBBLY LINE IS THE PORTION OF SKIN THAT WILL BE CUT AWAY.  THE SCRIBBLY LINE IS NOT PUBIC HAIR, PARTICULARLY NOT PURPLE PUBIC HAIR.  I HOPE NO ONE HAS PUBIC HAIR THAT GOES UP TO THEIR WAIST, AND PARTICULARLY NOT PURPLE WAIST-HIGH PUBLIC HAIR.

So, just to ensure clarity, for any future drawings meant to suggest the use of a purple surgical pen, I have prepared the following legend:

Random Updates

Over the last few days, three unlinked people have have asked (and with genuine suspicion) if I had told my plastic surgeon about the ablation surgery I had the week before last.  WTF?  Yes, I want this surgery more than almost anything.  I do not want it more than, oh...lets say...LIFE.  I told the surgeon about the ablation the very day after I had it.  Ha suspicious haters!!

6 days today.  The surgeon's office e-mailed this morning to tell me to be there at 7, and that surgery will begin promptly at 7:30 (not 8:00 as reported earlier).  I guess they don't want patients spending any time sitting around getting cold feet and deciding they'd rather have a refund.  30 minutes...barely time to draw the pretty purple incision and recision guidelines, slam in an IV line and get the party started.

People ask if I'm feeling nervous.  No.  No more nervous than I would be standing on the cusp of anything else that I've dreamed of for years.  I'm not looking forward to the downtime, but I am excited and looking forward to the surgery.  If I could, I'd like to be awake to experience it.  Muscle plication doesn't work as well without the total relaxation of a general anesthetic though, and I want the plication more than I want to watch.  I may have mentioned this previously, I want plication more than I want my own liver.  Besides, I'll just get a surgical video.  Have cake, eat cake, watch a 6 hour video of the cake...could life be any sweeter?

Those of you voting for counseling are very cute.

Before Pictures

What, as if I actually would?  Come ON people.  You know what I look like. 

Welcome and Pre-Op Information

Welcome

This blog is for friends, family and random surgical-watching freaks that want to follow the process of my December 20 abdominoplasty and breast augmentation.  I'll post photos and comment on the surgical process, healing, discomfort levels and similar to help others that may decide to have this or other surgeries. 

Thank you all for your clever observation of my dysmorphia.  While my appreciation for your intelligence is vast enough for you to have the access credentials for this page, the value of comments on dysmorphia is kind of slim.  Thank you for your understanding.  Anyone that doesn't understand is kindly asked to visit http://illwillpress.com/, Squirrel Songs Volume I to develop the right degree of mental flexibility.  "Nothing you can do about it."  Thank you.

The surgery takes place at 8:00 a.m. on Monday December 20.  It will take about 6 hours (I KNOW!!! Same duration as brain surgery, yet so much more important).  I will BBM or e-mail those of you that have asked for notification when I'm awake again, probably an hour or more after the surgery.

I go home the same day, loaded up with oxycontin and a range of other drugs, and the healing process can begin.  I will be mobile from the end of week 1 and able to return to normal exercise and all that at approximately 6 weeks.  (If it really takes that long I will probably kill myself).

BE FOREWARNED.  IF YOU VISIT THIS PAGE AND ACCESS PHOTOGRAPHS, PLEASE BE AWARE THAT ANY PHOTOS FROM DAY 1 - 12 WILL:

A) INVOLVE SURGICAL DRAINS
B) INVOLVE SUTURES AND SURGICAL TAPES
C) DISPLAY CONSIDERABLE SWELLING - WHILE THE SKIN RESULTS MAY BE INDICATIVE OF FINAL RESULTS, SURGICAL SWELLING IS CONSIDERABLE AND IS SUPPOSED TO BE.
D) POTENTIALLY BE KIND OF BLOODY AND GORY

THEREFORE, DONT LOOK IF YOU AREN'T UP FOR THE IMMEDIATE POST-OP PHOTOS, WAIT FOR WEEK 2 OR 3 TO START LOOKING AT PICTURES

This will be my first cosmetic surgery, of what I expect will be many.  There are just so many fabulous things to have.  Liposuction for example...who wouldn't want that.  Face lifts, eye lifts, ass implants, leg lengthening (except for the annoying pain and bone weakening aspects).  You know you want these too, you just haven't admitted it yet.  This is your safe secret place to yearn for plastic surgery with me.

Love,

CVK

8 days pre-surg