"The First Half Pound Is Always the Hardest" (Furious Pete)

Zeltiq takes two months to realize full results, but I promised to put up photos at 2, 4, 6 and 8 weeks to keep track as some of Boxhead's fat is lasered away.  So here goes:

I can't see a lot of difference yet.  But then I'm the dysmorphic one...I'm relying on my credible / trusted viewers to decide whether or not there's a difference after the 8 weeks are up.  My eyes tell me I get fatter every day.  So fat in fact that my massive panniculus pools down onto the ground and I can sit on it like a beanbag chair.

From the side in jeans you can see the pudge / muffin delivery truck over the top of my waistband.  Fairness and scientific accuracy forces me to acknowledge that it is Day 25 of my female cycle so there is a modest possibility of a tiny bit of bloating.  Not a muffin delivery truck's worth of bloating mind you. 

And on the point of scientific accuracy, to those of you (code initials might be any of SLK, JRK, DJW, KKB, PL, DRV...) that have had the snark and audacity to accuse Boxhead of bias in these postings, STOP LYING.  Please explain how the flawless truth of my fat displayed in photographic evidence can be biased.  Exactly.  It can't.  I rest my gigantic panniculus.

These next three show the front and size views without jeans to compress and disguise the flank fat.

Its hard to take these pictures myself...I do realize they aren't the best.

In abdominoplasty recovery, its 13 weeks now.  Dr C says I can return to most exercise now.  The feeling of tightness in the muscles can be stretched out without harming anything.  It may hurt but it won't be doing harm.  "Without overdoing" I can go back to barre and kundalini and other more-active forms of exercise.  Um...dude...overdo?  How do you think I got that fat in the first place?

On the weekend I was reading the Georgia Straight (local Vancouver paper) and saw an ad for SMART LIPO with some Dr in City Square Mall.  I have to check to see if this person is remotely qualified to do cosmetic procedures and if so what he has to say about the safety of this kind of fat removal.  As much as you nutters all think I'd have liposuction performed by a cab driver in a Mexican back alley if he promised massive fat extraction, I am very fussy about going only to highly experienced, highly qualified surgeons and dermatologists.  Smart Lipo is the injection lipolysis procedure that the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery and the American Society of Dermatologic Surgery have all issued health warnings agains. Are these guys hypercautious party-killing bureaucrats or is there a legitimate health risk?  Who knows.  Boxhead will investigate and advise in a future posting.

So far so good on Zeltiq though.  The numbness of the first post-treatment period is gone.  I like to imagine the procession of dead fat cells exiting my body every day.  I'm relatively content for now, but I don't want any of you thinking that I'm done with fat removal for the long term.  Seriously, who wouldn't want vaser liposculpting for example??  Vaser is to fat sculping what the topiary trees were to Tomorrowland in the 80s. Sure, I COULD stop stuffing my face with so much food and get up off my ass from time to time, but where's the fun in that?

For anyone that doesn't know the title reference, its a quote from Furious Pete the champion anorexic / competitive eater.  You can watch him eat a pound of butter (Boxhead's typical breakfast) at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pSm-uRr7gk.  The first half-pound really IS the hardest.

Til two weeks darlings,

Love
Boxhead

10.5 Weeks and Zeltiq

Yesterday Boxhead had a Zeltiq coolscuplting (aka fat-killing) laser session with the lovely Dr Boey and Jen at Arbutus Laser Centre (http://www.arbutuslaser.com/).  Zeltiq is the laser that actually kills fat cells through the application of laser-generated cold (cryolipolysis).  No clue how it works, except the machine sucks tissue into a giant wide-mouthed vacuum aperture, freezes the fat without affecting the skin, and then over the next two months the fat cells gradually die and go away.

You can see the Zeltiq coolsculpting website at http://www.coolsculpting.com/en-ca/for-me.cfm. I found it a bit disconcerting that they use Rachel Ray to promote the system...the woman cooks and eats all the time and is frankly a bit of a fat ass.  Yet, if Zeltiq is the fat-removing laser that Dr. Boey choses to have in his practice then I trust its efficacy.

Here's the machine.  The heart drawn on it is mine:

First, you get the most massive pair of paper shorts ever available on earth.  They are HUGE.  If anyone goes for Zeltiq and the shorts actually fit, you might want to try...say... 6 or 8 years of diet and exercise before getting started.  I kept the shorts for an at-home photo after treatment because they were so massive.  I'd just had a bath though and the mirror is steamy:

Wearing these styling shorts, the fat is measured and photos are taken.  The amount of fat and the area of the body being treated dictates what size attachment is used to suck the tissue and fat up into the nozzle of the machine and to apply the freezing cold laser.  Brrrrrr.  Larger fat areas get a bigger attachment.  Naturally I used the super-mambo-gigantica attachment, made specially by Zeltiq for people of my size and weight.

The treatment areas are shown here in a tremendously unflattering before picture. You can see why I need Zeltiq and all possible forms of cosmetic intervention.  Yes, the iron bruising is still quite attractive, thank you all for noticing.  DO NOT SAY THAT THE CIRCLED FLANK AREA IS NOT FAT YOU PACK OF GIANT LIARS.  If I hear "skin not fat" another time Charlie Sheen and I will fight you in my octogon.  My side fat is huge and you know it.  But not for long.  Yay Zeltiq. #tigerblood.

Once the photos are taken, a VERY cold wet treatment pad is applied to the skin area on one side, and then the machine is attached.  The pad is genuinely the worst part of the whole process.  Its really cold, like a wet ice pack applied to bare skin...you will jump a little, but the feeling goes away quickly.  Then the machine is positioned and turned on, and it feels like your skin / fat are being sucked into a gigantic vacuum cleaner.  I described it to some people yesterday as being in the super-grip of a very cold giant octopus.  The machine feels chilly on the skin area, no doubt.  It isn't remotely painful though.  It's just kind of cold and kind of awkward and you have to sit for a while.  But your fat cells are dying, so DUH...WORTH IT.

As I was having treatment on my gigantic muffin basket (other people might have a muffin top, mine is a muffin basket), the positioning is a bit awkward.  You sit up in a treatment chair, padded with pillows, but it isn't easy to get totally comfortable for an hour-long sit with a large cold vacuum cleaner attached to your side fat.  It isn't uncomfortable either, just bring a blackberry or ipad or sit and read some magazines.  I had a coffee and entertained my beloved friends and family with a running Zeltiq commentary.  And also some commentary on a product I found at the drugstore called Sphincterine, but back to that later.

Treatment lasts an hour per side.  When the flesh is released from the giant grip of the super-sucking Zeltiq machine it feels cold and deadened, and then they massages it a bit.  I forgot to ask why they massage it, but Dr. Boey's Jen is the Fat Killer so I know it does something valuable.  The massage is a bit uncomfortable but nothing like the application of the cold pad.

The skin comes out reddened and cold, but not harmed in any way.  Over the evening it continued to feel a little chilly and like the sensation was a little dulled.  The feeling comes back...for some people it takes as long as two weeks.  I'm a little bruised today, but not bad at all.  I always sleep on one of those Warm Buddy microwave heat packs (yes, including in the summer...) but I was afraid last night to put it on my back in case the skin was temporarily deadened enough to not feel if it was too hot.  Besides, I didn't want to risk the warmth letting any fat cells spring back to life from the throes of cryo-lipo-death.

It looks like the pics below this morning.  A little reddened, a little swollen.  It still feels a bit deadened, but nothing serious.

And yes, I know my ass is EPIC fat.  I'm back to yoga but not to Barre and cardio yet until the abdominal muscles are fully healed.  The iron bruising is ugly, but it will go away eventually.  I thank Dr. Verma every day for fixing my anemia...a few butt bruises are a small price to pay.

WARNING:  NAKED SCAR PHOTOS FOLLOW.  DON'T READ PAST HERE IF THIS WILL BOTHER YOU, OR IF IT DOES, SHUT UP AND DON'T TELL ME ABOUT IT.  YOU KNOW I WONT CARE ABOUT YOUR LITTLE OFFENDED FEELINGS.  THIS IS A SURGERY BLOG.

Sooooo, lots of mentions of how long its been since I posted on the healing process.  There just isn't much visual difference in the early months post-abdominoplasty.  From 6 weeks to 3 or 4 months the changes are too small to notice photographically.  I had a great photographer over Christmas too, but it would be kind of weird to ask everyone that comes to visit if they could take some scar pics for my blog.  So, here's a few poor-quality ones I took myself this morning:

The one below looks a little chubbier than usual because the flank / waist area of my body is a bit swollen from being sucked into the Zeltiq machine  yesterday.  The breast-scars and abdominal countour are the purpose of these pics though.  The breast scarring is healing much faster than I exepected even.  Most of the swelling is gone from the stomach area now.  It takes a full 6 months for it to be entirely gone...I'm still a little bit more swollen on the left side of the abdomen than the right.

This one shows the red / purple color of the abdominoplasty scar.  For those that have followed closely, note how much it has smoothed / evened out over the last month, and how clean and neat the end is.  The 'dog ear' part of the abdominoplasty close is really not a problem for me at all, at least not on this side.  The bit of Zeltiq swelling is really quite clear in a picture this close, but it will be gone in a few days...I swell from anything.

Yesterday was a major day at Dr. Boey's though.  After the Zeltiq I had laser hair removal in the bikini area.  Eek.  All the Arbutus Laser staff are angels though, and Julie the hair removal lady is no exception.  I'm not insane enough to do bikini without EMLA freezing cream though.  And when I was at the drugstore to buy EMLA, LOOK what I found right near the micropore tape:

Yes, it is Sphincterine ass-tringent.  For a minty-fresh butt.  Ummm...for what purpose would people want a minty fresh butt?  There's even a website http://www.mintyass.com/.  Naturally I had to buy it, as a few lucky members of Boxhead's family will soon be receiving a care package of Sphincterine in the mail.

Love you all darlings.  This time I really will post updates in the next few weeks...probably at 2, 4, 6 and 8 weeks post Zeltiq.  Its FAT MELTING...who wouldn't want to know.

Boxhead